beer is good; the rest of this planet pretty much sucks.

Space aliens come here for the beer. That's it; that's all. Why do you think that alien sightings are connected to things like crop circles, cattle mutilations, and redneck claims of butt probing? These sort of antics do not begin to resemble scientific research, so I'm inclined to think that, if there are aliens, they aren't here for research purposes. I hypothesize that they hold "intergalactic keggers" where they get really tanked up and do the alien equivalents of the stupid crap we people do when we get thoroughly inebriated. "Hey Zerg, pass me another Bud Diesel and check out what we're doing to this passed-out redneck."

--the management