Tuesday, May 27, 2008

beer is good; the rest of this planet pretty much sucks.

Space aliens come here for the beer. That's it; that's all. Why do you think that alien sightings are connected to things like crop circles, cattle mutilations, and redneck claims of butt probing? These sort of antics do not begin to resemble scientific research, so I'm inclined to think that, if there are aliens, they aren't here for research purposes. I hypothesize that they hold "intergalactic keggers" where they get really tanked up and do the alien equivalents of the stupid crap we people do when we get thoroughly inebriated. "Hey Zerg, pass me another Bud Diesel and check out what we're doing to this passed-out redneck."

--the management

Friday, April 11, 2008

interview?

So my friend Amanda had to interview one of the contestants in a recent literary contest as an assigment in her journalism class. I was the interviewed party. I liked my answers, so I have decided to put them here. Enjoy.

1. How long have you been writing?
My first attempt at creative writing was in second grade. I went to a private school at which the teachers would read to us for about forty minutes each day after lunch. After having been inspired by a reading of Sheila Burnford's The Incredible Journey, I attempted to write an adventure about a pack of domestic dogs braving it in the wild. I finished the first chapter and, deciding that my story sucked entirely too much to warrant finishing, promptly abandoned the project. My class assignments through sixth grade included alot of creative writing, but that well dried up shortly after I entered the world of public school, where creativity is largely discouraged. It wasn't until the advent of my college career, which I began at age twenty five, that I resumed creative writing (outside of writing song lyrics). I'm thirty one now. I'm not a math major, so you'll have to do the calculations.

2. Is this the first writing contest that you have entered? If no, what others have you entered? Won?
This is the first contest I've entered. I did not win it. Again, I'm no math major, but, according to my calculations, I now have a 0% success rate.

3. Where are you from?
I'm from all over the Southeastern United States. I've resided in fourteen or fifteen different locations, having lived in all of the following states: Alabama, Georgia, Arkansas, Tennessee, Colorado, euphoria, and severe depression.

4. What clubs and organizations are you involved in here? Major?
I am a recent addition to both Sigma Tau Delta (English) and Sigma Delta Pi (Spanish). I barely have time for anything extra-curricular, because I'm so far in debt that I have to work a career-type job to pay the bills. This butt: property of The Man. Oh yeah, and the English department.

5. How long have you been at Montevallo?
Let's see, I began in the Fall 2004 semester, and I put my college career on standby from Summer 2006 until the beginning of the Fall 2007 semester. I'll bet you didn't know that word problems would be involved, did you?

6. What inspires you to write?
I have to always be creating something, or else life begins to overwhelmingly suck. If I slow down, creatively speaking, the gravitational pull of all the heavy, depressing stuff in my head defeats inertia and begins collapsing my thoughts in on themselves. So I always have to keep creating, be it poems or songs or short stories or sketches or blog entries or playfully outlandish sentences constructed in colorful, plastic magnet-letters on the side of mom's refrigerator. And Bill Watterson's Calvin and Hobbes comic strips. And CS Lewis.

7. What poems did you submit to the BACHE?
"Landfill," "Black Ice," "Georgia Mist," and "At Sea."

8. What are your plans after you leave Montevallo?
I haven't thought that far ahead. And I graduate in December, following a one-class fall semester. I probably need to get on that.

9. What are your long-term goals?
Forty two. I've spent alot of time in deep thought over that one.

Monday, March 10, 2008

relative nonsense.

I absolutely hate relativism.
--the management

Thursday, March 6, 2008

emporer's new clothes.

I've been in the library for the last hour, listening to the college children trying to have grown-up conversation. Too much stylistically-conscious, über-philosophical language. Intellectual fashion modelling. All performed in soundbyte fashion. I have officially decided that the entire world is full of [American Idol].
--the management

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Raindrops on roses and anvils on kittens.

I'm changing this list for the millionth time...
A Top 40 of sorts...
I began this post nearly a month ago, in the vain attempt to list my top twenty or so songs of all time. That's pretty hard--to categorize something as fluid as favorite music. I tried to set up some rules to slim the list, namely the rule that each artist could only be represented on the list once. That didn't help much. I still had to leave off half of my favorite artists. And the list didn't make me look cool enough, because cool bands like Radiohead didn't make the cut. What's worse is that the Radiohead song that was closest to the list was "Creep," their biggest radio hit. So I'm double un-college-indie-artsnob-pseudohyperintellectual-cool. So here is an uncool, imperfect, one-song-per-artist list that represents, for the most part, the songs that would comprise my impossible, imperfect top 40--a list that is unavoidably equal parts all-time favorite and the-strong-gravity-of-the-now favorite:

40) "
Quelqu'un m'a dit" by Carla Bruni: This song proves that France is good for something besides the impressionists and soccer players that head-butt Italians. But ha ha Italia won anyway. And somewhere in Florida, Meri C. rejoiced. And my brother and I high-fived. And Carla Bruni, who is married to the French president, probably burned all of her Zidane posters. And I still feel kind of sorry for Thierry Henry, who is a great sportsman and did not headbutt anybody. But I digress.

39) "Light Up My Room" by Barenaked Ladies: It's Canadian, it's beautiful, and, no, it's not Kristen Kreuk. This song reminds me of home--which is kind of funny, because I don't really have one of those.

38) "Looking at the World from the Bottom of a Well" by Mike Doughty: Everyone should own Mike Doughty's Haughty Melodic album.

37) "Polyamorous" by Breaking Benjamin: This is such a great sing-along-in-your-car song. Breaking Benjamin's First album was like Nirvana (sans the suicide) meets Tool (sans the disgusting) meets Korn (sans the oom ah grrrr boo I hated highschool mm grrrrr) meets Nirvana again (sans the same thing as the first visit) meets video games (which are pretty much flawless).

36) "Big Heavy World" by Chris Lizotte: Because it is. And I always seem to need something to remind me that everything is going to be okay despite the bigness and heaviness of it all.

35) "Linger" by the Cranberries: This song is beautiful. Hooray Ireland!

34) "Nothin' But a Good Time" by Poison: I would sooooo be lying if I didn't have this song in my top 40. See how honest I am? This song has one of my two favorite guitar solos of all time.

33) "Sloop John B" by the Beach Boys: My favorite "I want to go home" song.

32) "Hazy Shade of Winter" by The Bangles
: My second real boyhood crush was Susanna Hoffs. Enough said. Well, actually, I must add that originally I had "Walk Like an Egyptian" representing the Bangles on this list, but I just today listened to this cover and decided it is a better song. It was originally by Simon and Garfunkel--hence, the amazing lyrics. Thanks, Paul Simon.

31) "Shhh!" by Fleming and John
: There is a timpani in this song. There is a guitar with a talk-box on this song. There is a Fleming in this song. This song makes me happy.

30) "Not the Same" by Ben Folds: Ben Folds is one of my favorite live acts. The first time I saw him live was in uptown Nashville with Fleming and John. Ian and Chall and I sneaked into the event as they were setting up. We listened to the bands soundcheck. We met the chick in the Ramones shirt. We witnessed Ben Folds rocking the suburbs. We were not the same after that.

29) "Jerry Was a Race Car Driver" by Primus:
Back in the days when MTV actually played music videos, my brother and I, as did many teens and pre-teens, watched it incessantly. Early in the summer of 1991, they started playing the video for this song after dark. I guess the MTV execs thought they might scare off Mariah Carey fans if they played it during daylight hours. It definitely warped the musical trajectories of us two little vampires. The first time we saw the video, we sat speechless, all the while thinking, "What the crap is this?!" But every time it appeared, we watched. It's hard not to watch some guy doing two-hand tapping on a six-string fretless bass. And I still consider the guitar solo to be one of the best ever. And anyone who can play this on drums, call me--we need to start a band.

28) "Stormy Hill" by Fold Zandura: I still haven't forgiven that mild-rock juggernaut Switchfoot for stealing Jerome from one of the best song-making tandems in underground music. Last I heard, the other half, Jyro, was paying the bills by playing with Crystal Lewis. How could you, Switchfoot?

27) "Birds" by Over the Rhine
: And I still think Eve is OTR's best album.

26) "How Could You Want Him When You Know You Could Have Me?" by the Spin Doctors: A great underdog love song. Oh, and it has a clever Shakespeare reference.

25) "So Damn Cool" by Ugly Kid Joe: This song has my other favorite guitar solo of all time. The lead guitarist built his main axe in his high school wood-shop class. I'm pretty sure he installed a flux capacitor.

24) "Flowing" by 311: The lyrics are simple, but I really like them.

23) "Keep Me in Mind" by DigHayZoose
: It's dreamy and jazzy and just a touch silly, all at the same time. Most love songs suck. DHZ does it right.

22) "Hysteria" by Muse: Because even neo-hipsters need something cool to listen to. I mean, would you want to have to listen to that borderline-emo crap all the time?

21) "Don't Hold Back" by The Normals
: While having a mostly random conversation with Chall one day, I accidentally stumbled onto the best way of describing what this song means to me: When I listen to this song, I want to go destroy the Deathstar.

20) "Typical" by Mute Math: Great song, great video. While in Cincinnati, we took a break from recording our modest little cd and went to see Mute Math live. The drummer came out and immediately gaff-taped a big set of headphones to his head. I knew they meant business.

19) "The Red" by Chevelle: This has such a cool music video. Hi, I'm Pete Loeffler, and I am learning to manage my anger. By kicking butt.

18) "Bullshed" by The Apex Theory: I'm still not sure what this means, but it means something. And I'm pretty sure it's something rather complex, since there's a nice little time-signature shift to begin the second verse.

17) "So Real" by Jeff Buckley
: The Mississippi River took away one of the best things that ever happened to music. The only other human with Jeff Buckley's super-power (beautiful dissonance) is Jeremy Post (who appears later in the list under the bands Model Engine and Black Eyed Sceva).

16) "Faith Healer" by Tora Tora
: One of the best bands of the late 80's/early 90's totally got cheated by being put in the same rock-purgatory as all the other hair rock acts. No fair. These guys were the best thing to ever happen in Memphis. Although I say that without ever having been to Graceland. I'm sure it's really great, but I'm pretty sure I like Tora Tora better.

15) "River of Deceit" by Mad Season
: There is no other song that is even remotely like this one; there is no replacement for this song when the mood to hear it hits me. This is definitely the standout on its album. For the uninitiated, Mad Season was a side project that included both Mike McCready from Pearl Jam and Layne Staley from Alice in Chains.

14) "Hard to Get" by Rich Mullins
: Rich Mullins proves that popular Christian music doesn't have to suck. This song is simultaneously heavy, liberating, simple, deep, and honest. And it was all done with one tape recorder, one acoustic guitar, and one Rich Mullins.

13) "Drain You" by Nirvana
: Everybody always talks about "Smells Like Teen Spirit," but I still maintain that this is the best song on Nevermind. Either this one or "Lithium." Or "On a Plain." It was a hard choice among the three, so I had a rock-paper-scissors tournament with myself to determine which song from this legendary album would represent.

12) "Struggle Enough" by Standing on Earth
: This band is almost entirely unknown. Too bad. Their only album, Feeltrip, is one of the best albums ever made, and, out of all the albums with songs on this list, it gave me the most trouble in selecting a representative favorite cut. I just closed my eyes and picked a song. Man, that would have been an ugly rock-paper-scissors free-for-all.

11) "No Rain" by Blind Melon: This song is pretty much the biography of my first twenty-three years on planet earth. And it repeatedly saved my life in high school.

10) "3 x 0" by Pinback: Pinback is probably my favorite currently-active band. Sorry, Mute Math and Eisley. Pinback's new album, Autumn of the Seraphs, put them over the top. But I digress. This song is from the album before that (Summer in Abaddon).

9) "Marvelous Things" by Eisley: And Eisley gets their revenge by clocking in higher on my list. The first time I heard this song, I was driving south on 65, and then somehow I ended up in Trolley Wood. Magic or science? Or a busted GPS? You be the judge.

8) "Sky High" by the Prayer Chain: This song is nine minutes long. Anyone who knows anything about my attention span will realize the importance of the fact that this song is in the top ten. Andy Prickett + single coil pickups + an occasional ebow = nine minutes of highly listenable music.

7) "Rosinante" by Model Engine: This song is from my undisputed, all-time favorite album, The Lean Years Tradition. Lyrically speaking, there isn't even a close second place to this album. Except maybe 5 Years, 50,000 Miles Davis or Way Before the Flood by Black Eyed Sceva. The catch there is that 2/3 of BES is the same as Model Engine, including the lyricist, Jeremy Post. This song ends The Lean Years Tradition and comes complete with an amazingly literate chorus--a refrain which references Cervantes' Don Quixote--and a subtly-applied didgeridoo--an instrument which seems to lack a standardized spelling.

6) "End of the World" by Icarus Aquanaut: C'mon. I couldn't rightfully put my own band in the top five. But I really wanted to. When I listen to this song, I almost forget that I helped create it. Again, anyone who knows me or my tendency toward self-deprecation will realize the importance of the fact that this is one of my favorite songs.

5) "Summertime" by The Sundays: When I listen to this song, for three and a half minutes, girls don't suck, my life is not ruined, falling in love is totally possible, and it's great to be alive. I probably need to walk around plugged into my iPod with this song on repeat.

4) "Naomi" by Neutral Milk Hotel: This song was originally higher on my list, but then I realized that #3 and #2 had seniority. The melodies in this song are both haunting and intoxicating. Neutral Milk Hotel makes some of the most real music I've ever heard.

3) "Would?" by Alice in Chains: A moment of silence, please. This song might be the most important song in my life. And I don't say that lightly. This song is greater than the sum of its parts. And the video made me sure I was meant to be a guitarist.

2) "Primrose" by Black Eyed Sceva: Or maybe the "most important song" honor goes to this one. The first time I heard Black Eyed Sceva was on Christmas day of 1995. My brother bought the album for me because it looked interesting. The music was so rich that I couldn't understand it at first. In fact, I couldn't even tell if I liked it or not until I came to the sixth song on the album. That would be this one. It changed everything. This cut has one of the most tasteful guitar solos ever recorded. And great dynamics. It was number one for a long time...

1) "Vertical Asymptotes" by Dan Warren: ...And then along came Dan Warren. This song sounds like life more than any other song I've ever heard. I'm sure I've listened to this one hundreds of times by now, but I still find it challenging. And that's a good thing. Thanks, Dan.

Thursday, November 29, 2007

droning.

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Wednesday, November 14, 2007

black ice.

“Black Ice”
by john lake moss


There is black ice on every road and a black hole at the center of the universe. The black hole lies in the center of the universe like a cat lying in the tall grass of an open field, waiting to spring on birds none-the-wiser. The black hole is sucking everything down like an open drain at the bottom of a bathtub full of dirty water. While I ponder these amazing, semi-substantiated facts, my feet slip on the black ice, displacing me from terra firma, and I realize that the universe is a very cold place in which to live. I laugh as I fall to the earth.

Black ice earth; black hole universe. The stars are brilliant and beautiful, because God loves to make things brilliant and beautiful; I wish I were brilliant and beautiful. I lie upon my black ice grave and choke on sobs consisting of the discomfort of my existence.

As I lie in the middle of the black ice road, I laugh and cry prayers up to heaven, hoping all the while that the black hole in the middle of this mess doesn’t snatch them away like a greedy little child who, while refusing to let mommy clean the remnants of repast from around his mouth, smiles defiantly and grabs at any unfortunate object that falls within the reach of his gluttonous hands. The stars are still brilliant and beautiful, in a Gloria-in-Excelsis-Deo sort-of-a way; they are brilliant and beautiful, and they remind me of redemption. The stars laugh and play in the winter midnight sky, unaware of the black ice below, unconcerned with the black hole beyond.